Feels Like Nobody's Around
by Kelsi098
Summary: Most fans don't know of the boys' past. They don't know of the medical problems that changed Logan's life, what traumatized Carlos, or the regret that haunts Kendall every day. But James is still having problems with his home life. Taking place during Big Time Concert, the boys will discover more about each others pasts than they would have ever thought possible.
1. Chapter 1

"What about our dreams BEFORE going to L.A?" Kendall asked. Another pep talk. You see, Griffin had just killed Big Time Rush to make room for a childrens' book tape company. All of them were pretty bummed, voicing their frustrations in the grocery store parking lot back in Minnesota. Back where it all began. But no one noticed that James had been quiet for quite some time now.

"Logan, you wanted to be a doctor." Logan shrugged and nodded, a slight smile playing in the corner of his lips. Yeah, he really wanted to be a doctor.

_The kind doctor placed her hand on Logan's small shoulder. He looked up at her with wide eyes, his family gathering around and awaiting the news. It had been a long, tiring struggle. The poor boy was far too young to be suffering through this, at the age of five. He was afraid at first, feeling unable to trust the doctor's with their strange tools and machines. But they had explained things to him. They had explained how those things would make him feel better, and it had fascinated him. Logan's small hands closed around his teddy bear and prepared for his results. The last few times hadn't turned out well, but he was so sure that this time it would finally be ok._

_"Oh, Logie!" The doctor smiled. "Your cancer is gone."_

"And Carlos, you wanted to be a police officer." Carlos nodded excitedly. He wanted to be just like his father.

_"Daddy, Daddy" Carlos cried out. He was scared. The dark seemed to push into him and suffocate him. His tiny ears picked up the sound of pounding footsteps._

_"Carlos! I'm here for you, son, I'm so, SO, sorry..." He said, cradling his son in his arms. "That horrible man will be locked up for a long, long time."_

_Carlos had been kidnapped by a middle-aged man at the park, and was trapped in his basement for the day. Everyone had been telling him how lucky he had been that it hadn't been longer. He was carried out of the house where police were all over the lawn, shouting orders, and shoving the kidnapper into the back of a police car. Carlos's father was a police officer himself, and had personally snatched his son from the arms of the kidnapper. _

_"Hey, there," an officer smiled sympathetically at him. "You sure have a great Daddy to come and save you." And the frightened boy tearfully nodded in agreement, noting in his mind that his father was the greatest policeman out there._

"And I always wanted to be a hockey player," Kendall said, "See, we'll be just fine, you guys!"

_"Great job, Kendall! But we've gotta go home now," His father smiled. After quite a while, eight year old Kendall had finally learned to play hockey. His father wasn't willing to teach him until now, fearing that he would get hurt. Kendall's dad knew a lot about hockey. And of course, his son wanted to be just like him. The boy was constantly following him around the house and mimicking his every move. He was his role model, his father, and his best friend._

_"But..I don't wanna go!" Kendall protested. His friend Carlos had JUST shown up at the rink!_

_"Sorry, sport."_

_Kendall frowned. He stomped his foot. When they got home, his mother had laughed at Kendall and asked him why he was so upset._

_"I HATE you, Dad!" Kendall groaned, storming into his bedroom as his father left for work. That night, the Knights got a call that Kendall's father had been in a car accident. He had been killed instantly. For years, his last words to his father played through his head like a broken record: I hate you, Dad...I hate you, Dad...I hate you, Dad!"_

James finally spoke up.

"Yeah, Kendall? Not for me!" James snapped. The boys all turned to look at him.

"Yes it will! You had always wanted to...to…." Kendall trailed off.

"To be a singer! All my life, I've wanted to be a singer," James rolled his eyes. "Face it. There's nothing left."

"We get to spend more time with our families," Carlos said, "That's a plus."

"Sure, whatever. I can't believe that you guys aren't even going to try." And with that, James took off on his bike.

"He'll get over it," Logan said.

The next day, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos were figuring out how to pursue their previous dreams when Gustavo waltz in, claiming that they had another opportunity with Big Time Rush. And although they were reluctant at first, they finally agreed. But before heading out to L.A, they had one more thing to do. Find James. The problem was, James hadn't spoken to them in days. This was going to be more than a little awkward.

The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly simultaneously took a deep breath before knocking on James's door. No answer. They tried again. No answer. Finally, Gustavo shouted at someone, anyone, to answer their door. A man, presumably his mother's latest boyfriend, stepped out with a bottle of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

"Yeah, yeah. What do you want?" The man slurred. Gustavo looked a little caught off guard.

"Uhm, we're here to see James," he declared. The man laughed and shook his head.

"That idiot took off again two days ago," he said, slamming the door.

There was a moment of silence before anyone spoke again. Finally, Gustavo started speaking.

"Who was THAT?" he asked, shocked.

Logan gave a soft, sad smile. "James doesn't have the best home life," he said, "Probably why he had always wanted to be famous so badly."  
"He would get to move out, and prove his parents wrong," Carlos agreed.

"So...That was his dad?" Gustavo questioned again. The boys shook their heads. "Then maybe he's with his dad! His parents divorced, right?"

"Well, no...After the divorce, his dad disappeared. James googled him one day and found out that he had remarried to a woman fifteen years younger, but that's about it. We don't even know where his dad lives," Kendall explained.

_"Fine, you can stay up a LITTLE longer," Mrs. Knight told Kendall. "Just don't wake Katie."_  
_"Mom! I'm twelve!" he said, quickly silenced by a strict glare from his mother. Mrs. Knight jumped a little in surprise when a knock came at the front door. Figuring that it was too late at night for any visitors, she ignored it. But soon enough, four more knocks came louder through the door. Mrs. Knight sighed. Well, it WAS raining. Maybe she should let them in. She cracked open the door to find James Diamond on her doorstep, rain dripping from his clothes._

_"JAMES!" She gasped, rushing him inside. "What are you doing? You live miles away, it's raining, and do you have any idea what time it is?"_

_"I-," he sobbed. "I just…Can I sleep here tonight?" Mrs. Knight's face softened._

_"Well...I'll have to call your parents," she agreed. She passed Kendall, who was obviously watching them from the hallway. Calling James's mother, she soon found out what was happening and told Kendall to be extra nice to him._

_"Why?" Kendall questioned._

_"Because," Mrs. Knight answered. "No questions."_  
_"But I want to KNOW!" he said impatiently._

_"I-I'll tell you.." James said softly as Mrs. Knight placed a towel around his shoulders. "My dad hit me, so my parents are getting a divorce. My dad says it doesn't matter anyways, since he already has a few other women in his life." _

_"Oh." Kendall placed his arm around James. That night, they drowned their minds with reruns of Spongebob before falling asleep on the couch._

"Well, where could he be?" Kelly shouted frantically.

"The only place James has ever wanted to go," Kendall said.

The boys didn't even have to look at each other before saying, "L.A."


	2. Chapter 2

Sure enough, James was in their old apartment (newly redecorated, to Carlos's dismay). He laughed when they told him that Big Time Rush was getting back together.

"Mmhmm, good luck with that," he said, patting Kendall's shoulder.

"What do you mean, GOOD LUCK with that?" Logan shouted suddenly.

_"What's wrong with you?" A girl the same age as Logan asked curiously._

_"I've gots cancer," he said. He tugged at the side of his hospital gown. The children had met when they were allowed to play in the children's room for a short period of time. "What 'bout you?"_

_"Broke my arm, see? You have CANCER? My grampa got all dead from that," she declared._

_"I won't die. My mommy said so! I'm doing special treatments so it goes away." _

_The little girl giggled. "Good luck with THAT," she laughed, skipping away._

"I just... I mean...Nevermind..I can't do Big Time Rush anymore. Besides, I got a new record deal going on with The Hawk!" James smiled warily.

The Hawk rushed down the stairs to usher them out of the apartment, with more than a few protests from the three boys. Carlos and Logan looked to Kendall for advice.

"I don't think he's going to come around, you guys. We all know James. And we all know that James isn't just a pretty face. He's one of the most determined guys ever," Kendall said, not willing to look them in the eyes. Carlos almost argued with his band mate, but he knew the harsh reality was that Kendall was probably right. So they simply shuffled down the hallway in silence. They all remembered the last time James was this stubborn on getting his way.

_"Are you sure that you want to do this?" Logan asked James, "I mean, there's a pretty big change that you won't find anything."_

_James nodded, staring at the computer screen intently. "He's my dad...I have to." _

_"But we're only in eighth grade... Do you think really think we can do it?" Kendall asked._

_James paused for a moment. A few seconds passed before he rapidly tapped on the counter top._

_"If you could do anything to get your dad back...Wouldn't you?" James's voice was clear and strong. Kendall blinked in surprise and began looking through the phone book. It took weeks to find anything on James's father. But he was able to track down his second cousin, Laura, who was reluctant to give him any information at first. But James begged and pleaded with her until he got the truth._

_"He's married, okay?" Laura blurted out out. "I'm so sorry, James, I'm sorry, please-"  
James started at her with a dazed look in his deep brown eyes. _

_During the ride home, James simply ran his fingers across the glass over and over again, pressing down until they left streaks everywhere. Laur apologized again before dropping them off in front of James's house. James started up the steps to his house before stopping suddenly, the sitting down with his head in his hands. His friends sat beside him awkwardly, trying to figure out what to say._

_"James..."  
"Save it! You always say that it's okay, but it's not! My dad didn't just leave me, but he started a brand new life without me. Let's face, he doesn't even want to see me again," James sobbed, finally releasing the tears he had been holding back._

__Carlos remembered how just like that moment, he really couldn't say that things would turn out well.

* * *

James grinned as he marched into Hawk Records with his head held high. It felt good to be back in the spotlight. But as The Hawk continued suggesting changes to James and who he was, his smile faded more and more. How could he be himself if... The Hawk wanted someone completely different? And he wouldn't even be able to sing. It would all be done digitally on the computer.

"Look, Hawk...I really appreciate..All of this...But...Maybe I need the guys, you know? I miss Big Time Rush," he stuttered.

The Hawk spun around in his chair. James didn't know if it was good or bad that he couldn't see his eyes through The Hawk's dark shades. He almost shrank back when the man opened his mouth to speak. But he didn't speak. Instead, he laughed for a good fifteen seconds.

"Oh, James. You think that they need you still? That they miss you? Think again." He slid a newspaper across the table. James hesitated. What was it? He didn't think he could handle seeing Big Time Rush advertisements that excluded him. But curiosity took over, leading his hands to snatch up the paper and flip through the pages. Finally, he came to what he was looking for. A Big Time Rush ad. Okay, this wasn't so bad. A picture of Kendall, Logan, and Carlos smiled back at James. He brought himself to read the print underneath.

"They're... Having auditions to-"  
"Replace you," The Hawk confirmed. Was he really that disposable? James was so sure that he was a key part of Big Time Rush, that he couldn't be replaced. But once again, he was wrong. At first, anger filled James's mind, but sadness spilled out in tears. He thought that they would always be the best of friends. He had been through a lot with those guys. So much for that.


End file.
